Bert & Morty

In the summer of 1954, Ethel Merman wrote a guest column for a Washington newspaper. She made a list of laws she would pass if she were a lawmaker.

Men never have business conferences on nights their wives give dinner parties.

• Political and business talk be banned at dinner tables.
• Men wear blinders at the beach.
• Morning papers be delivered after breakfast, so Hubby can feed his fan and Wifey could see if before he buries it in the news.
• Men dress more sensibly in hot weather – that they wear something like a mandarin-type cotton or linen jacket and shirt attractively.
• Husbands never be allowed to overwork and talk themselves out during their business day, so they’re good for nothing but a grunt of greeting and a short goodnight when they get home.
• Men shouldn’t be allowed to listen to that Eartha Kitt record – unless the mink and schmink is for Wifey.
• Males be forced to take courses in the care and changing of babies before they get their high school diplomas.
• That they also take courses teaching the differences between cotton and silk, so, at least once a year, they can compliment their wives on a dress and make sense about it. Ditto about coiffures, so they know the difference between a pompadour and a Roman cut.
• Every husband should be equipped with a portable cabinet in which to dump the contents of his pockets, instead of leaving all the junk of the dress. (Believe me, male pockets are messier than women’s purses, and that’s going some.
• Men be reminded once a week about Patti Berg, Babe Zaharias, Maureen Connolly, Gussie Moran, so they’ll realize their better halves might give them some healthy competition on the golf course or tennis court.
• All hat stores have two sales tags – one for the real price of the chapeau, the other for Hubby’s eyes alone – the second being at least half the first.
• All mother-in-law jokes be banned.
• Husbands be forced to submit to a “perfume” detector test when they come home from “working late at the office.”
• Men come equipped with built-in ash catchers and lifetime clamped buttons, non-removable dress shirt studs.
• Husbands be forced to stay home with the kids at least once a week.
• Men strong enough to play football, handball, tennis, golf, etc., be strong enough to help with the dishes too.

Source: Merman and Monroe Talk About Men and Fashions, The Victoria Advocate, Aug 31 1954, Page 2
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